Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Things Left Said: A Letter to Mama

Dear Mama,

 
The past couple of years have been rough for us. Our journey started in August of 2014 with your breast cancer diagnosis. By the end of that year, you also had emergency surgery to correct a blockage in your carotid artery in your neck, as well as a stage III small cell lung cancer diagnosis (this was a separate cancer from the breast cancer.) Praise God the breast cancer was only stage 0 & was eradicated with a lumpectomy & radiation treatment. Your surgery to place a stent in the carotid artery went beautifully, with no issues since then. The lung cancer, which was a scary diagnosis to receive, was treated with a powerful chemo cocktail & radiation combination, with completion of the treatment plan in early 2015. Ever since then, you have had regular CT scans to ensure that the cancer had not returned & all have been clear…except for that one.

 
In April of this year (2017), one scan didn’t come back clear. Your lung cancer had returned…the same kind & stage as the last time. Except this time, there was to be no cure, no complete healing…only hopes for periods of remission. Ever since this diagnosis, we’ve set out to bring you to your first period of remission, battling this beast with the same chemo cocktail that proved effective against it the last time. Except this time, you were in a much weakened state of health. This time, the week after completion of your 2nd round of chemo, your body gave out & you ended up in the hospital. After 2 weeks in the hospital & 3 weeks at rehab to try to gain your strength back, we decided to bring you back home where you felt more comfortable. We apprehensively awaited your next oncologist appointment to find out the next move in your treatment, but I believe we all instinctively knew what that next step would be. Your body was so very tired from the fight & too weak to be able to withstand any further treatment. Wisely, the oncologist referred you to Hospice.

 
This is where we are today. One week ago, you decided to go under the care of our local Hospice. Even though you desire to get better, your body is working against you. It is tired & cannot endure anymore harsh chemo treatments. Although it has been tough watching your health go downhill, I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be for you to go through this decline, to know that the cancer in your body will one day overtake you, to feel yourself slipping away. My heart has ached at seeing the once vivacious redhead be taken over by a disease that shouldn’t have a part in anyone’s world. I’ve watched you be embarrassed by things that come with the progression of cancer & I’ve longed to shield you from that. To clear away the cobwebs of confusion from the mind of a once witty, sassy, funny woman. To be your legs when you can’t stand or walk. But I can’t.

 
And this is where I am today. Ever since the decline of your health has been an issue, but much more so lately, I have had been in turmoil with myself, trying to reconcile those demons that we all have floating around us from our childhood & past, with the reality of today. I want you to know that I have won this battle…I choose to see the good in things that once were thorns in my side. I want, desperately need, to take a moment to let you know what has been on my heart. I don’t ever want the pain of regret to loom over me when the time comes to tell you goodbye should anything be left unsaid. I want to tell you what I’ve learned about you, about me, through all of this.

 
One of the biggest things I had a hard time with growing up was living with my grandparents & not you. Not that I didn’t/don’t appreciate or love living with them, but you know kids…they can be cruel. I used to get picked on in school because my grandmother used to come to all of my school functions, not my mother. When kids found out that I lived with my grandparents, not my mother, they were harsh with their words, calling me “unwanted” or “thrown away”. I know that there were so many factors behind my brother & I going to live with Grandma & Grandpa, decisions that had to be made on your part that could not have been easy to make, especially in the situation you were in. I see now that this was raw maternal instinct at its finest, protecting ones “cubs” when threats of harm come their way. Living with my grandparents gave me so much more than a safe place to sleep. I got an extended family, an aunt & uncle that were there throughout most of my younger years, who helped raise me. Most kids only have their moms & dads, getting only weekend, or holiday, visits with their grandparents & aunts/uncles, but not me! I got the privilege to have 4 extra people step into the roles to help build me into the person I am today. Most importantly, Grandma’s & Grandpa’s love of church gave me the foundation for a relationship with Christ…one that I wouldn’t accept until much later in life…but one that kept drawing me back until I surrendered my life to Him.

 
Money, or lack thereof, as a child can be devastating. I’m not necessarily talking about not having basic needs, although there were times that was close to reality. No, what I’m talking about is just not having the “it” stuff: the clothes, the shoes, the hairdo, the car & house. Let’s face it: growing up is hard & when you have to do so in an extremely materialistic society, it’s downright impossible. I remember being so embarrassed by our constant breakdowns, or the black smoke or awful rackets that used to come from some of the cars we’ve had. I used to hate anyone coming over to our home because it was so inadequate (in my young teenage mind) or inferior to my friends. And my clothes…well, we don’t even have to go there, do we? This scarred my childhood…so I thought...no, let’s be honest, it did. And don’t even get me started on that brat of a younger brother I had to watch a LOT because you had to work & the pain-in-my-behind older brother who used to like to beat me up! And the absent father or the next step-dad that was sure to leave? Yep…again, the taunts of “not wanted” would rise up from my classmates. These things caused so much pain, pain that would take years to go away, or at least make me become numb enough to fake it.

 
I look back on that now & all I see, all I choose to see, is a single mother doing her best to raise 3 very unruly, hard-headed children. We didn’t have the best, we didn’t have a lot, but oh, what we did have! Because we didn’t have a lot, we chose to make the best of what we could. Some of my best memories are just driving around dirt roads (yes, in that huge clunker…does it really matter which one) sightseeing, talking, & singing. I loved going to mobile home dealerships with you, picking our dream home, choosing the colors, the furniture, waiting for “one day.” The auctions…the zombie movies...or any scary movie for that matter…the many, many pets we were blessed to have…so many memories. I’ve learned to appreciate my siblings & know that family is everything & the first thing, no matter what. I’ve learned that someone’s absence from my life is that person’s load to bear…not mine. I’ve learned that, as a woman, I must make sure to be able to do for myself & mine, not relying on anyone else to take care of me.

 
I know that I struggle sometimes with being an inadequate mother, rehashing my past mistakes with my children & aching for the “should-have’s” & “if only’s”. I can only imagine what someone must go through when they are at the end of their time on earth & are faced with their mere humanness. But I want you to know, you did well…I am ok. Because of you, I learned what it means to be self-sufficient. Because of you, I was blessed with a foundation & love for Christ that called to me even in my wayward times. Because of you, I have learned to appreciate the “less-than” times. Because of all of this, & so much more, I am the woman that I am today. I don’t think I’ve ever truly expressed my deepest heart’s desire to you…my love of Africa. My soul so longs to be there all the time. I truly believe because of you, because of the hard times we have weathered, I can appreciate & will able to thrive efficiently in those areas of that beautiful country that call to my heart. For all of this, & so much more, I thank you, Mama.

 
I wrote this to you so I could say all the things that needed to be said, but I have to apologize to you. The one thing that should have been the one thing that was always said was only discussed in passing conversations...God & your salvation. I will always regret not talking to you about it more until now, until this time in your life. But I am making a promise & commitment to you that I will always talk to you about this…every day. Mama, I pray every night & throughout my day, that the Lord shows Himself to you in such a way that you can no longer deny Him your heart & soul. I pray that in our time left together I can daily present His gospel of love & that one day, you’ll accept. No one is ever out of reach of His grace & mercy…no one…no matter what. I will ask others to pray. I will read to you out of His Word every night I am with you. I will pray with you before I leave you. I will fight for you, so that one day, the last thing left said about you will be “She was His.”

 
Always & forever your little girl,

 
Christy

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful and heart felt. Thanks for this.

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