Surviving The Affair - Beautiful Restoration Among the Rubble: HIStory Part 2

This was one of the hardest stories I have ever had to write. Spiritual attacks were waged in our lives throughout this entire process, sometimes overwhelmingly so. I have had to walk away, days & weeks at a time, before coming back to try again. I have written & rewritten this several times, attempting to divulge only what God is leading me to reveal & nothing more. Despite these attacks, I pray I can convey the restoration story of our marriage so that it brings glory to Him. Please know that I have my husband’s, as well as our children’s, blessings to write our story in prayerful faith that someone will be able to take His grace, love, & hope from it so they, too, can rebuild that which has been torn down.

Crumbling Down

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

~ Proverbs 16:18 ~

“For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.”

~ Philippians 3:18 ~

      

On April 1, 2010, my husband of 14 years, the man I had loved since I was 17, told me, “There is someone else.” This admission shattered everything I knew, everything we had built since we met 17 years ago. How could this happen?! My husband, my white knight that took me away from a life of chaos, would never do this, would he?! Yet, sitting across from me on our bed was my husband professing love for another woman.

At our pastor’s office just an hour after this admission, my heart was torn in two listening to Bryan explain that he was miserable in our marriage & refused to be unhappy anymore. Although I was deeply hurt, this was a wakeup call for me. I immediately saw my wrongs in our marriage & from that point on, as long as my husband would allow, I was determined to “fix” myself & our marriage. We both promised we would seek the recommended biblical counseling & would work on our marriage, with Bryan agreeing to sever all ties with this woman.

About a month later, I received a phone call that shattered anything else that remained or had been built back up. This woman’s husband called to inform me of the truth about his wife’s & Bryan’s relationship, as well as to inform me that they were still talking. As strange as it sounds, I was hurt so much more from this revelation as when my husband first told me about this other woman. Maybe this was due to the fact that I tried to “right my wrongs” in our marriage, the ones Bryan mentioned were reasons for his straying. I had been fighting so hard to keep us together. Whatever reason, I just knew this had to be the end, right? I mean, if we couldn’t get past “her”, if he couldn’t be truthful with me, then where do we go? How do we fix our marriage? How do we fix us? And our children! They had overheard us fighting & discovered this truth, so now how to help them get past this? How could we even begin to repair the damage?

Rebuilding on Solid Foundation

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

~ Matthew 7:24-27 ~

“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.”

~ Psalm 127:1 ~

             This was unquestionably one of the longest nights of my life. As Bryan went upstairs to one of the kid’s bedrooms to get some rest & as the children lay on my bed to attempt to sleep, I sat on the couch in our room & did the only thing I knew to do: I pulled my Bible out, seeking comfort in the words it contained. Even though we had been faithfully going to church for a couple of years at this point, I had never picked my Bible up outside of church, never read it at home. But this night, I knew in the depths of my broken heart that I needed God. I turned to a section in my study Bible about forgiveness & read. When a verse was referenced, I quickly turned to the verse to soak up God’s Word, seeking some sort of healing balm. His Word did bring me comfort that night, even if only because it took my mind off of the whirling thoughts that invaded it.

            At this point, Bryan & I had not gotten into see our biblical counselor yet, but our first appointment was scheduled for the very next week. Our counseling routine became a weekly rotation of “me, him, us, me, him, us…” After about 6 weeks, it morphed into “me, us, me us, me, him, us…” with “him” quickly fading out after a couple more weeks. Counseling came with homework assignments, different each time, tailored to our specific stage in the rebuilding process. During one of my “me” sessions, I was given the task of discovering each of the elements of the Fruit of the Spirit & finding 10 Bible verses that spoke of that particular characteristic. I was instructed to write them down & bring them to my next appointment, which was 2 weeks away. Are you kidding me?! That’s 90 verses! I quickly became irritated because I couldn’t understand why I, who had not had this affair, had to go all the time & find all of these verses. Bryan never had an assignment this detailed or time-consuming! This was his fault, so why not see him more?! Plus he was the one with an addiction, so he obviously needed more help, right?! Obviously, our counselor did not see things that way, so I thought I would show him. When I started that dreaded homework assignment, I set out to only look into the concordance of every Bible in our home & find any verse that had that particular word in it. But God! Our wonderful Heavenly Father does what He does best & convicted me. Soon after starting this assignment, it was as if my heart became ravenous for what His Word said that would speak life into me & my pain. I couldn’t tell you how many verses I actually read, but I do know it was so many more than 90! And God’s Word did exactly as it promises & did not return void!

            You see, although we mess up so often, our Lord knows what will happen & He knows just what we need. Prior to Bryan’s affair, I had spoken to him about how I felt the Lord convicting me of my salvation, or lack thereof. I had gone down to the altar before, I had prayed the prayer, & I had been baptized, but something in me was unsettled. This homework assignment, & truthfully, all of the in-depth, personal counseling, was stirring something in my heart I could not explain. This stirring erupted one night at a revival in our church where Pastor Fred Luter (the pastor of Franklin Avenue Baptist Church in New Orleans) was our guest speaker. I honestly could not tell you the particulars of what that sermon was about, but I can tell you that the Lord put such a conviction in my heart that I could no longer deny. When Pastor Luter gave the invitation, it was as if God Himself pulled me out of my seat & down to the altar. Shaking uncontrollably & crying hysterically, on August 9, 2010, I finally surrendered my life to my Heavenly Father! Praise God for His unconditional love for even a damaged sinner like me!

This decision, besides being the best one of, & for, my life, was one that kick started the restoration of our marriage. I believe in my heart that our counselor could sense this misdirection, this lost soul within me, which led him to see me more often than Bryan. I know nothing surprises my God & I truly believe He placed someone with such discernment into my path to bring truth into my life in such a way that would bring about the realization that apart from God, I could do nothing. Even though I had been going through the motions in counseling before, I could not help rebuild our marriage on Christ because I was not Christ’s. But now! Oh, praise Him, but now, everything changed! My husband was being healed of his addiction & our marriage was being restored beyond what I could have ever imagined, all because we finally surrendered our marriage, & lives, to Him. For now & forever, our lives were going to be built on the solid foundation of our Lord Jesus Christ!

Investigating the Cause

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...”

~ Ephesians 5:22 & 25 ~

“But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

~ 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 ~

            A large part of counseling was looking at things that led to the destruction of our marriage. Just like our home’s structural integrity depends on the strength of its foundation, so do our individual lives, our souls. Over time, the different stressors & trials of life can cause our foundations to shift, crack, or settle unevenly if it is not built upon The Rock. It is always a good idea to check for troubles to prevent any damage because the longer you wait to take care of visible signs, the more serious the damage can become. Only when you do some honest self-reflection will any attempts at restoration become possible.

The most significant reasons our marriage failed was because we didn’t build our lives on Christ; we couldn’t have with one of us not having received her salvation. If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ, there is no way that anything else can work out in your life. Beyond that, the root issue can only be boiled down to selfishness. Our society teaches that we, as individuals, deserve & have the right to be happy. What society doesn’t teach is that reason alone is the cause of so many divorces or of breakdowns in any relationship. When I believe that I have the right to be happy, but my happiness doesn’t align with that of my husband, then how will we, as a couple, be happy? One of us will have to make concessions, to give in & go “without” (or so the perception is), which only leads to resentment & bitterness. This is what ate away at our marriage.

The affair my husband had in 2010 was not the reason for our destruction, but only one of many deadly blows our marriage took at our own hands. My husband has had an addiction to pornography since he was about 14 or so that fed into his selfish side. The title of my post doesn’t have a grammatical error in it; it signifies that it this was “The Affair” that changed the tides. We both have gone outside our marriage (physically & emotionally), searching for the acceptance & love we felt we deserved but were not getting from each other. We invited sin right into our marriage & never attempted to clean up the debris that would eventually cause our foundation to rot away.

Only when we stopped being “self” focused & became “others” focused were we able to truly change how we rebuilt our marriage. When we stopped looking at the “I” & looked at the “him/her”, the changes were amazing! The drastic difference in our life then & our life now is due to so much more than getting older & wiser (if there is such a thing.) It’s only by the grace, love, & forgiveness through Christ Jesus that we have been restored.

Preventing Future Damage

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established”

~ Proverbs 24:3 ~

“Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house,” bearing witness to what would be spoken by God in the future. But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.”

~ Hebrews 3:1-6 ~

“By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundations other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved - even though only as one escaping through the flames.”

~ 1 Corinthians 3:10-11 ~

            As with any home, if you don’t protect your marriage from harmful elements, it will crumble. Once crumbled, you must decide if you wish to rebuild what was destroyed. If you rebuild, you must decide to build in such a way that will protect it from future damage by looking for potential signs of damage and addressing the issues as soon as they appear.

            According to Property Casualty 360, there are five common signs that your home’s foundation is having problems that need to be addressed. I want to take a moment to compare these issues to our marriages so that we can see how we need to continually inspect them to protect from further damage.

Cracked, crumbling, or compromised foundations

            “When doing routine property inspections, start with the foundation itself. Built to last, this underlying support should never show any noticeable signs of structural damage.” As I’ve already mentioned, the foundation for your marriage MUST be built upon The Rock that is Jesus Christ. Building your marriage on anything else is going to cause everything else to crumble & fall. You may not notice it right away or for several years, but it will fall. You, personally, have to be secure in your relationship with Him before your marriage, or any other relationship for that matter, will work.

Water damage & soil shifting

            “Improper water drainage is one of the leading causes of foundation failure. When soil surrounding the home rapidly expands (during wet spells) & contracts (during dry spells,) this can lead to unnatural soil shifting - a process that places pressure on the underlying foundation.” When you have a marriage built upon Christ, no matter the trials or tribulations that are sure to come, your marriage can withstand it. As I mentioned earlier, we crushed our marriage over & over again, but even though we stayed together despite them, we were not better. The issues that brought us there remained the same. If our lives had been built upon Christ from the moment we said “I do” (or better yet, before,) we would have been better prepared to withstand the shifting sands & waves that tossed our marriage to & fro.

Sagging floors & warped ceilings

            The floors & ceilings in our homes protect us from the elements. “Issues that originate in the foundation of our homes sometimes appear in some of the upper levels of the home - often in the form of sagging floors & warped ceilings.” If our foundation in Him isn’t solid, or is faulty, then we can’t expect our walls & ceilings to be strong enough to keep the sinful world out. However, if we have built our marriages on Him & seek His ways, then we are afforded the protection His love for us provides & will never have sagging floors or warped ceilings in our marriages.

Cracked, crumbling, or buckling walls

            All homes settle with time, but “excessive settling is another common sign of foundation failure, with the most obvious symptoms manifesting as cracks, buckling, & crumbling in the upper walls in the home.” The walls of our marriage can be likened to the barriers you put up around your marriage, such as the Word of God. If your marriage is built on that secure foundation that is Jesus Christ, then the walls of your marriage will be relatively free from self-inflected pains & hurts. You will be less likely to buckle & crack under the weight & temptations that sin brings into your life.

Improperly fitting doors & windows

            “All of the windows & doors throughout the home should fit snugly in place - neither too tight nor too loose.” The doors & windows in our marriage symbolize how we see the world (though the windows) & how we go out into the world (doors.) If your marriage is built on Christ, then the way you see the world & interact with it will be full of His love. You will show His light to world by living in a loving, committed marriage based on His Word. You will also see the world with a better mind & eyes. Be careful not to be too legalistic or too open, lest you be tempted with sinful ways or tempt others.

            These areas in our marriages must be inspected all the time to prevent any damage to any other area. After Bryan & I determined we were going to live like Christ & rebuild our marriage on Him, our relationship took such a radical turn. We set out to do things for each other, not just because we loved each other, but because we wanted to see that nothing entered into our marriage that could tear it apart again. We each took time to pay attention to what was important to the other & show our love in whatever way needed. This took time & effort. I have many, many cherished notes Bryan left around our home because he knew, in this season, I needed to be assured of his love. Even during this painful time of our life, I prayed that God would give me such an overpowering desire for my husband because I knew that he needed to be reassured of my need & want for him. Each couple will be different. You will have to study your spouse through observing or talking to find out what needs are there. When you know what they are, attempting to fulfill them selflessly is the key to keeping any future damage from being heaped upon your marriage.

The Bricks & Stones

“He is to order that the contaminated stones be torn out and thrown into an unclean place outside the town.”

~ Leviticus 14:40 ~

“The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.”

~ Psalm 118:22-24 ~

Let me talk about the bricks & stones of our lives: the details, the experiences, the memories. Far too often, we tend to focus on the bad details & experiences, forgetting the good. After this happened, I became obsessed with details! Details about everything: dates, times, locations, etc. The details are what consumed my mind, tormented my soul at all hours of the day. I remember our pastor telling me that I didn’t need to be concerned with the details, but that didn’t discourage me from obsessing. It wasn’t until we finally met with our biblical counselor did I stop to think about why these details were so important to me. Instead of telling me I didn’t need to know the details, he asked me why I needed to know them, if knowing them would change my mind about restoring my marriage. Of course, the answer was no. I can’t say that I didn’t still think of the details of the affair, but I can say that they didn’t control my life.

I have intentionally left a LOT of detail out of our story because I didn’t want to focus on those bad things. Yes, this affair, the one that brought us to this breaking point in our marriage, is a bad thing, but to hash out all of the bad throughout this season in our lives would only give the enemy a foothold to close someone’s mind off to the glorious redemption & restoration in our story. So I choose to focus on the good, the wonderful, the miraculous. This was an awfully painful time in our marriage, but looking forward, this was the best thing that could have happened. This is not to excuse any wrong doings on either of us, but to fall to our knees in thanksgiving for the wonderful love, grace, mercy our Lord has shown us these past six years.

I want to leave you with one of the most beautiful stones we have collected from this storm. Bryan & I had planned to renew our vows on our 20^th wedding anniversary, but on January 12, 2012, this sweet man of mine surprised me with a vow renewal ceremony, with all of our friends that had walked with us through this storm in attendance. My son walked me down the aisle to a song that will forever represent the journey Bryan & I had been on: Warren Barfield’s “Love is not a Fight”. If you have never heard this song, please click on the link above as it so powerfully reminds us how we need to protect, shelter & fight for our marriages.

 

During this ceremony, Bryan & I exchanged new wedding bands, ones that we created to complement our existing sets. The symbolism for both sets is essentially the same, just different in looks. Originally, Bryan had just his wide wedding band, while I had my band & engagement ring. My engagement ring / his wedding band symbolize who we were prior to our restoration. The additions symbolize who we are now: renewed people, brought together by Christ (my red rubies & his cross) who have committed in covenant to always bring our marriage to the foot of the Cross (my outer diamonds & his outer gold bands.)

These vows we said this day were not the same we recited on our wedding day 16 years prior, ones to love, honor, cherish, obey. No, these were vows of covenant: a vow to God, to each other, our families, & our community to remain steadfast in unconditional love, reconciliation, & sexual purity, while purposefully growing in our covenant marriage relationship. We have not always been perfect in our growing, but we have always remained faithful to that covenant, sticking beside one another, seeking God’s will & His answers, no matter what. Praise God!

 

 

“I will praise you with my whole heart”

~ Psalm 138:1 ~

A Prayer from a Burdened Heart: Creating a Racial Scar

(The following are thoughts & musings by me concerning certain current issues. I want to say from the outset that I do not support violence in any shape or form. I also want to put a disclaimer on how I have worded this post. I have had to use descriptive words for people, or groups of people, that I normally do not use. I apologize in advance if that is offensive to anyone, but I felt it necessary to do so to show differences. That being said, I pray that as you read this post, you gain some understanding & lots of Truth concerning the issues at hand.)

 

My heart has been extremely burdened as of late because of the seemingly endless chaos & divisiveness our nation has within. I’m not talking about the upcoming presidential elections (although our choices are another topic & source of grief altogether.) America has been nursing a massive wound for decades, but ever since the untimely death of Trayvon Martin in 2012, this lesion has grown considerably worse, becoming far more infected than ever. Known by many different names (bigotry, discrimination, prejudice, racism), this rip in the fabric of our county is an affront to all God created us to be. We must care enough to stand up & be willing to be the soothing balm that can bring healing to the pain.

 

I am opting to not speak in depth on the headlines as of late with the police shootings, shootings of police, & the “Black Lives Matter” movement. Although I stand behind the right to protest in civil ways, I do not agree with violence or any criminal activity. However, I am human. My heart grieves for those Mamas who have lost their sons (regardless if that son was/was not a criminal, those Mamas still lost a son & that is tragic.) I pray for the men & women that put themselves on the line daily to make sure our streets are safe (not everyone behind a badge is corrupt or racist.) I know many law enforcement professionals that exemplify dignity & honor, so please don’t lump them together with those you deem as bad apples. I  also have many friends who are black that are not representative of the hostility & crime that people think of when they think of “Black Lives Matter,” so again, don’t lump them in with ones rioting & creating havoc. People are individuals & should be considered as such, taking into account their own actions & personality, not lumped together with a specific group they seem to be a part of. This mentality & rage have cause fear on “both” sides of the fence when it comes to the cases that have gained national attention; fear that is doing nothing but creating more mayhem. I do wish to plead for you (all of you, no matter your race) to open your mind & eyes to understand & see things as someone else does for a few minutes. I’m not attempting to change your mind (although I do pray you can see Truth when it is laid before you.)

There has been so much uproar about the “Black Lives Matter” (BLM) movement. People became offended (because, are you truly American lately if you don’t get offended by something?) & answered with “All Lives Matter” (ALM.) I totally agree one-hundred percent; all lives DO matter. However, creating a “catch-all” with the ALM only covers what our black brothers & sisters are crying out for you to see & acknowledge. Racism DOES exist in our nation today. Discrimination based upon their skin color DOES happen. That’s where the changes need to take place; not attempting to cover its existence up by a “one-size-fits-all” mentality. It does matter & needs to be addressed…soon!

Let me give you a couple of analogies. Kris Straub created this cartoon to illustrate what someone who supports BLM wants you to comprehend.

 

Now, if this cartoon doesn’t help you understand, let me give you another example that I came across on Facebook the other day. Adam Campbell (I cannot seem to find his direct link to give him proper credit as it was shared many times) wrote this status to try to bring understanding to the differences in the two sides.

Hopefully these example help you see that when your friends, co-workers, neighbors support or speak of BLM, it doesn’t mean they do not think that all other lives do not; they are trying to attract attention to an out-of-control issue that needs our responsiveness, not denial that there is a problem.

 

Denying its existence will not make racism go away. Not educating yourself on a side that differs from your own opinion does not mean that the other side doesn’t have a valid point or is not correct in their beliefs; it just makes you uneducated (this is not the same as stupid.) Get educated about the issues that create such concern for our black brothers & sisters. All you need do is to talk to someone of color & walk in his/her shoes for a few minutes to see how real racism is. Let me give you a few instances & examples of racism & discrimination today.

A sweet friend’s mother is biracial, conceived during an affair between her black grandmother & her white grandfather. He is a well-known man in the small town they are from, so of course, this affair, & resulting child, was kept secret, not because he was ashamed of his infidelity, but because his lover (& now his child) was black. He was ashamed of his own flesh & blood because of the color of her skin! He didn’t care about skin color when he was committing adultery with his child’s mother, but oh, what a scandal if the white elitists he associated with knew he had an affair & fathered a child with a black woman! This woman is now 58 & she has never had a relationship with her father. During her childhood, he would send random checks to help financially, but never emotionally invested in her life. All because of the color of her skin!

Although most of this post refers to issues the black community faces every day, racism itself is not discriminatory. It encompasses any race that doesn’t fit the norm (i.e. the white race.) A friend shared this picture of a sign that is posted on a fence surrounding a practice field at a local school (I have opted to alter the image so as to not call attention to school in my post.)

 

 

For those that cannot read Spanish, the sign (more or less) reads, “It is prohibited to play soccer in this field by the authority of the athletic department of [school name].” I completely understand that the school may well be within its right to post a sign prohibiting any activity they so choose on their practice field, but why is there no sign in English to be found? Are only those who speak Spanish (which, obviously, is intended for our Hispanic population) prohibited from playing soccer on the field? What about those Hispanics who don’t speak or read Spanish? Can they still play on the field? What if some white people (&, gasp, even some black people) are already playing soccer on the field? Can our Spanish-speaking population join in, or are they subjected to stand on the sidelines, gazing longingly, wishing upon wishes that they couldn’t read Spanish so they, too, could partake in the jolly fun? Ok, I was obviously getting facetious, but the fact remains this very discriminatory sign does exist TODAY & that fact alone isn’t a laughing matter.

 

Let’s get personal because, let’s face it: it’s all about “me” & if “I” can’t connect the dots to find out how something affects “me”, then it doesn’t matter (just to clarify, those me’s & I’s are collective.) When my granddaughter, Kaylee, was a couple of months old, her Mama (Alyssa) & I were shopping for groceries in our local Publix. Kaylee (for those of you who don’t know, my granddaughter is biracial - black father & white mother) was in her stroller with the shade pulled down half-way because she was napping. As we were rounding the end of an aisle, an older, white man came around from the other side. He got the biggest grin when he noticed the stroller, craning his neck to peek around the shade at the baby inside (because who doesn’t love to look at an adorable baby?) You could see his wide, open-mouthed grin turn into a scowl of disgust when he caught sight of Kaylee, the “black” baby (because, let’s be honest, any biracial child/person who is mixed with black is classified as such, as if any other ethnicity has been erased by the stigma that is being “part-black”.) I was embarrassed for him as he glanced at Alyssa & I, then walked the other way because, come on, she is a BABY, no matter the color of her skin. (Sadly, her skin color was an issue with so many people when she was first born because of the erroneous belief that races should not inter-date & the dislike of the black race.)

I have attempted to bring some humor to some issues that are anything but that. However, this is a very serious issue for our fellow human beings who are black. In my prayers & ponderings about this issue as of late, I reached out to my dear friend, who is black (although she classifies herself as mocha or pecan-tan) desperate to find what she saw as answers to this problem. I wanted to know what her fears were for her, her husband, & her 2 boys (such sweet, beautiful souls!) What she said breaks my heart & I know it is resonated throughout the hearts of many a black wife or Mama. To hear her voice her concerns of someone hurting her husband or children just because of the color of their skin created such a want to gather them all under a protective shield that, let’s face it, I am given because of the color of my skin. We talked about that “unspoken” shield, more commonly known as “White Privilege.” White privilege is not something that every white person does or contributes to, but “is a transparent preference for whiteness that saturates our society...white privilege shapes the world in which we live - the way that we navigate and interact with one another and with the world." While white privilege has been contributed to some recent criminal cases (such as in the rape case of Brock Turner), it's  not always so blatant. White privilege can also be seen in some "hidden" ways.

 

Let me describe a few of those areas that you may not have ever thought about (because, admittedly, I had not.) There was a discussion I participated in the other day that shed light on one particular way, which got me to thinking about other ways this could be depicted. For example, when a white person cuts himself, he grabs a bandage & doesn't worry about it clashing with his skin. Why? Because bandages are created with the flesh-tone of a white person (or at least a peach-toned person.) However, when a black person (or darker skin-toned person) has a cut, they have to bear a bandage that is highly noticeable on their skin. [On a side note, a friend shared a link to this amazing company that makes darker skin-toned bandages! On their Facebook page, you can find other businesses that sell products to match all skin-tones. Let's support these innovative entrepreneurs by purchasing & sharing their awesome products.]

 

On a personal note (you know, because it's all about me), I recalled a time when my son (Chase) was about 4 or so. It was Halloween night & we had just finished trick-or-treating at our local mall when we decided to stop in at McDonalds to grab some dinner. We sat at a table behind a black man & his son. I remember Chase looking at this little boy behind us, who was looking back at my son from behind his Batman mask, & asking me why his hands were a different color from his face (the mask.) I never realized the depth behind that innocent question from a child until now. This little black boy wanted to be his favorite super hero, but didn't have a mask that matched his skin. You may say something along the lines that no black person played Batman, so why have a black mask. That, in itself, is another display of white privilege...Hollywood depicting all the "heroes" as white or costume makers only making costumes from heroes with white skin-tones.

 

In another instance, my husband (Bryan) & I went shopping & were looking for some pajamas for our granddaughter. I was so tickled when I came across some that depicted a little princess that wasn't white, but was "brown" like our girl. The second pair of pajamas has a few different princesses that each had different, darker skin-tones. Until I saw those pajamas, I never thought about the fact that the majority of princesses were white (thankfully, that is being changed lately.) Not having pajamas, clothes, or toys that depict a little girl with similar skin tones is not an issues for Kaylee right now, but to some other little girl with darker skin tone who is old enough to recognize the difference, it could be an issue attempting to find a princess they can relate to.  Not all princesses are white!

 

 

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to give examples & explanations to help you see why the black community is crying out for us to acknowledge their concerns. It’s not because they have a sore spot because “our” ancestors owned “their” ancestors many decades ago; it’s because of issues today. Issues that are very real, every day of their life. This is not a plea for understanding anyone who is breaking the law or committing crimes in the name of racism. This is plea to attempt to understand our co-workers, our church members, our beloved friends who are black. Not all black people are throwing a gas-filled bottle at a police car or are looting a store because they are angry; most are sitting beside us in the pew at church, working with us every day, walking beside us as we all navigate our way through this life.

I would be remiss if I didn’t take the time to petition a little for the “other side” (the white perspective.) Seek to understand, & help change, the engrained mentality that, unfortunately, has been passed down from generation to generation. This is not to ask for to you to excuse those who are blatant in their racism. Keep in mind that understanding does not equal permitting or accepting. It’s taking the time to learn the heart behind the other person & the “why’s” of someone’s actions.

Music moves me & I truly believe it is a powerful aid to healing. I love this song, written & performed by a Christian rapper, Trip Lee: “Coulda Been Me.” My favorite lyrics from the song align with what & why I have been pleading with you. Please take a moment to click on the link above & watch the lyric video.

 

I’ve taken a lot of time to try to illustrate, as best as a white person can, what I feel may be some heart cries from our black neighbors. To try to shed some light on some issues so we, as a country, as people, can begin to heal from the wound that racism creates. The only way we can truly heal, the only One that can heal us, is God. His Word speaks life into this issue, so I wanted to take some time to bring some of that life to you (in the best way that a non-theologian can do.) A wise Sunday School teacher once said, “You can’t expect lost people to act as anything but lost people.” I know that there are some people reading this that may not have received salvation through Christ Jesus; however, God’s Word does not return void & It will accomplish what He desires & achieve the purpose for which He sent It (Isaiah 55:11.)

A word of caution: stop listening to the media! Although a lot of the issues as of late have brought back to light the core problems that need to be resolved, so many things are pushed forth with no regard for the truth. The media has an ulterior motive: to make money based upon the garbage they create. And what creates more money than hot-button issues & deep-seated hurts such as racism. Anything that can be put out to gain more followers, likes, shares, views, etc is fair game. God lists seven things that are detestable to Him (Proverbs 6:16-19) & guess what? Someone who lies & someone who stirs up conflict in the community are two of them! Don’t contribute to the spreading of false reports or hate. Research what you post (by the way, research is more than just reading the article & agreeing with what it says.) Paul urged his brothers & sisters in Christ to steer clear of those who cause divisions & put obstacles in their way that was contrary to their teaching, explaining that such people are only serving their own selfish appetites & not Christ (Romans 16:17-18.) I have seen many Christians share some very hateful & shocking things on social media. Please think about what you are doing or saying while professing to be a Christian; others, especially non-believers, are basing their opinions of Him on your actions as a professing Christian. God’s Word says we are to be quick to listen, slow to speak, & slow to get angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires in us (James 1:19.) Make sure something is true before you post or speak on it & search your heart for the real reason you are posting (is it just to take a stab or is it something that could promote real change?)

So much of racism is fueled by the thought that one particular race is superior to another. However, God created us ALL in His own image (Genesis 1:26-27) & all races come from Him (Acts 17:26.) He shows no partiality (Romans 2:11) & does not make distinctions of physical or social status (1 Sam 16:7.) If our goal on this earth is to be more like Christ, then why wouldn’t we do the same as He? Our fellow human beings are not any less than (nor you better than) because they have a different skin tone from you. God makes a point to tell us in His Word that to show partiality (i.e. prejudice, favoritism), is to sin (James 2:9.) If you hate someone because of the difference in their color of skin, God says you are walking around in darkness (1 John 2:11.) If you claim to love God, but hate your brother or sister, His Word says you are a liar because you cannot love God, who you haven’t seen, if you can hate your brother or sister, who you have seen (1 John 4:20.) In fact, God’s Word says that hating someone is the same as murder (1 John 3:15.) To hold onto some notion that someone is lesser than because of their skin color & yet, claim to be a Christian does not align Biblically. Jesus Christ came for us ALL (John 3:16) & we will be worshipping with people from every nation, tribe, & tongue when we enter Heaven (Revelation 7:9.)

Now, I want to get personal. Even though our God’s Holy Word is full of Scriptures that expound upon the sin of racism, there will be someone, even a fellow Christian that will discriminate against the color of your skin (white or black.) They may lump you with everyone else that has the same shade of skin that you do. They will say & do hateful & hurtful things (there may even be someone who unintentionally does this.) If you are a Christian, God calls you to forgive. I truly believe this is where our healing begins. We are not told to forgive “except when” or “only this time.” If you expect God to forgive you of your sins, you must forgive your brother (Matthew 6:14-15.) This doesn’t mean “except when this sin affects me this way”, it means ALL transgressions, no matter what. He tells us to forgive always, no matter how many times you are sinned against (Matthew 18:21-22.) How are we to do this? Just as Christ forgave you (Colossians 3:13.)

Forgiving someone is not easy, especially when there are deep hurts, but it’s a command from our Creator. So many times, we are prideful & refuse to do what we must do because we feel that the other person deserves some sort of punishment or you deserve some retribution & you feel forgiving them will let them off the hook. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook for their actions. “The decision to forgive an offender is probably the hardest choice we can ever make. Some crimes seem too horrible to forgive. Our instincts tell us to avenge the person who caused us pain, not to release him from the debt he owes us. But as Christians, we can't afford to have unforgiving hearts, for we have been greatly forgiven by God in Christ (Ephesians4:32). Only forgiveness can release us from a life of hatred and bitterness." Forgiving is a journey, sometimes a long one," wrote Lewis B. Smedes in Shame and Grace. "We may need some time before we get to the station of complete healing, but the nice thing is that we are being healed en route. When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover the prisoner we set free was us." Forgiveness releases you from the burden of bitterness, hate, & strife that do nothing but keep this would open & festering. It allows restoration in a person's soul (the forgiven, as well as the forgiver) that leads him to his Maker.

Even though so much chaos & confusion has surrounded us lately, we don’t have to succumb to it. Scripture tells us that hate stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs (Proverbs 10:12.) I believe the most important ingredient in our healing balm must be love; love as Christ loved. The “Golden Rule” is such a familiar philosophy, but did you know that principle is actually Biblical? God’s Word tells us do to others what you would have them do to you (Matthew 7:12.) The Bible also tells us that we should value others above our selves (Philippians 2:3-4) & to love our neighbors as our self (James 2:8.) Why would the Bible tell us to do these things “as our self” or “above our self”? Because we are selfish beings & would do anything to make ourselves happy. However, as much as we love ourselves, we are to love others more than that. Can you imagine what our world would be like if we loved & thought of others as Christ calls us to?! (By the way, our “neighbors” doesn’t just include the person next door to you or people that are like you; it includes everyone.)

Scripture tells us the Pharisees wanted to test Jesus, so they asked Him what the greatest commandment was. He replied to them, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37.) But He didn’t stop there! He added the second greatest commandment, which is love your neighbors as yourself (Matthew 22:39.) Then he makes the statement, “All the Law & the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:40.) What does He mean, “hang on”? I believe it means that it doesn’t matter what else you do, if you don’t love the Lord with everything you have or you don’t love others more than yourself, nothing else matters. Anything else you do, anything else you attempt, trying to heal this wound will fail. You must love others as He loved, without partiality & without prejudice, because He made us all & died for us all.

Even if you are a non-believer, you still fall under the authority of Scripture as every person was created by Him, for His glory. I pray that you have read the Scriptures notated within here & that the seed that has been planted by them will burst forth with much fruit (as mentioned earlier, His Word promises to never return void (Isaiah 55:11) & I know He will work tremendously through the reading of His Word.) Ask questions of your fellow man. Listen intently with the purposes of understanding, not with a guarded, closed mind. Be slow to anger about stuff you see in the media or from others. Forgive someone who has hurt you. Forgive them when they do it again. And above all, love like there is no tomorrow! We must all do our part to heal this wound. It’s a huge one & will not leave us without a scar. But oh, how I pray for that scar! That sweet scar, although a reminder of past hurt, will mean the pain of racism is behind us & the wound is now closed! Dear God, please heal our wound & grant us our scar!

God's Grace in the Unplanned Pregnancy

This is my daughter, Alyssa's, story of her pregnancy & the birth of Kaylee. It is on my blog because she doesn't have one, but she wanted to tell her story of unplanned pregnancy & the birth of her daughter so hopefully, some girl somewhere can have hope that God is always there, even when we don't feel He is, to shower us with grace & love. (You can read my side of the story here.)

I’ve had many sleepless nights thinking about if I should even do this or not. I’ve convinced myself that many people who read it will judge me and criticize my decisions about the whole situation. But I’ve finally decided that I can’t control how they react.  I’ve decided that I’m ready to be open about the birth of my baby girl. I wrote an entire other story about it, but after much prayer and much guidance, I decided to come at it with a different approach. This is NOT a story to glorify the sin of premarital sex. This is NOT a story to bash and put down Kaylee’s father. This IS a story to show the grace, love, and protection of my amazing God during my pregnancy and the birth of my precious baby girl.

            Kaylee’s father, Haqq Tertuliano, and I started our relationship in the beginning of my senior year. We weren’t exclusive, but people knew we were “together.” We continued this relationship through my senior year and the first part of my freshman year in college. The whole relationship wasn’t healthy from the start. We hid each other from our parents. We never actually went out on a date; we would just meet either at his house or mine. And, if I’m being honest, it seemed as though the whole relationship was purely physical. I, of course, had deeper feelings for him, but I can’t speak for Haqq and how he felt towards me. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but it didn’t make me stop. I just wanted to do what pleased me. I was about to leave for college anyway, so I never tried to ask for more.

As I look back on our relationship, and even past relationships, I was always the one that cared more. Or cared too much. I never demanded respect or anything from the guy; just attention. And I would do anything to get it. My whole life, I have always thought I needed a guy’s attention to validate my worth. Instead of seeking the approval of Christ, I sought out the approval of any guy that would give me the time of day. I always did what made other people happy; not worrying about if it was what God wanted from me. That’s how most of my entire relationships were, even with Haqq. Always doing what he wanted and pleasing him in any way that he wanted. That’s why we never labeled our relationship.

            Leaving for college was the best thing I thought could happen to me because it would get me away from Tifton. I could finally have a fresh start and no one would know what I’ve done in the past unless I was the one to tell them. It was just what I needed. Haqq and I decided to keep our relationship going and I would come see him the weekends I came home. We did this for a few weeks and then, with each of us getting busy and him starting his senior year in high school, we just didn’t have much time to talk to each other, so we broke it off.

After a month of being in college, I started to notice that I hadn’t had my period since I got to Truett. At first, I didn’t think anything of it because my periods have been irregular my whole life. But after the second month had past, I started getting worried. I got in my car, went to Walmart and bought a 2 pack pregnancy test. I went back to the dorm, waited until everyone was asleep, went to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and took the tests. Those were the longest two minutes of my life. When I finally got the courage to look at it, my whole life changed. I saw those two little pink lines and all I could do was cry. As first, I tried to talk myself into believing it wasn’t really happening, that it was just a false positive. I think, if I remember correctly, the total number of tests that I took came out to be 12, all of which were positive. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. All I could come up with was, “How am I supposed to take care of a baby?” I was a freshman in college, four and half hours away from home, with no job. The only person I said anything to was Haqq. I asked him what I needed to do. He told me that he wanted no part in this and that he couldn’t be there to help me. He left me to deal with this by myself.

I hate to even admit this next part. I hate that this was even a thought in my mind, let alone my first initial choice. I decided I was going to have an abortion. I thought that that was the best option for me. How was I supposed to go back home from a Christian college, pregnant? The guilt, shame, and just pure fear alone kept bringing me back to thoughts of having an abortion. That way no one would even know and I could get back to starting my life and doing what I thought I was called to do. I called the Planned Parenthood that was near me and spoke to someone about my different options. Being as how I never went to the doctor to see how far along I was, I just guessed. When I called them, I told them I was about 4-6 weeks. They told me on option at this point in the pregnancy was to take the abortion pill. I knew I couldn’t put that on my parent’s insurance, so I would have to pay for it out of pocket. The pill itself cost $850, and that’s not including the doctor’s visits to see if it worked. I knew that I couldn’t get the money in time, and I knew that I couldn’t get a D & C because that would have cost way much more and would require me to stay in the hospital for a few nights. I felt stuck. However, I am extremely grateful that God intervened at that moment and made it to where an abortion was not possible. I would have never been able to live with myself had it happened.

My only other option that I had was adoption. I had planned on going through the whole pregnancy without anyone knowing, and when the time came, to give the baby up for adoption. Since I knew this baby was going to mixed, I knew he/she wouldn’t have been accepted in my family. As confusing as it is to me, there are just some people that don’t agree with interracial relationships. So I knew the chaos it would bring into the family (and that it did bring into the family) to have a biracial child. So, in my opinion, adoption was my best choice.  I found out that hospitals have this thing where if the pregnant woman doesn’t want the baby, all the woman has to do is let a nurse know and they deal with everything themselves. So that’s what I had decided to do. I was going to give the baby up for adoption and not worry about it anymore.

I never showed very much like most woman do. In fact, I even lost weight while I was pregnant. I never went to a single doctor’s appointment. I didn’t know the gender until I had her. I never got a sonogram or got to hear her heartbeat. Nothing. I will always be mad at myself for that. In that moment, I was so selfish, that now I have nothing to show my baby girl of when she was in mommy’s belly. I would watch her move around in my belly. I actually took tons of pictures and videos of her kicking me. But I deleted them all in fear that someone might see them and find out. I can still remember what it felt like when she got hiccups. I can remember where I was when I first felt her move. When I would take videos, I’d always put them in a message to send to my parents, but I’d always delete it. I actually “tried” to tell my parents. I tried so hard to get them to let me come home from college and go to ABAC. But they were just being the good parents they are and pushed me to at least finish the year out. I knew I couldn’t keep her, but it was so difficult to not want to. It was so difficult to not fall in love when I felt her move. But I knew I couldn’t do it. Every night, I’d watch her move and just cry because I had already made up my mind that adoption was the best, and only, choice for her to have a good life.

The day finally came. Around 5pm on April 15^th, I began having contractions. I thought they were just Braxton Hicks, so I honestly didn’t worry too much about it. They hurt, man did they hurt. I actually talked with my Mama on the phone that night. I could have easily told her, but I didn’t. I wanted to so bad. I was hurting so much and all I wanted was my Mama to come make me feel better. The contractions kept getting worse and worse. I didn’t sleep much that night. I couldn’t ever get comfortable. Around 10 am the nest morning, the day my precious baby girl made her appearance, I finally decided that I had to go to the hospital. That morning was the first time I ever said anything to anyone about me being pregnant. I told my best friend, Bree Barfield. For the first time, someone other than myself knew I was having a baby. And the only reason I told her was because I knew I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital. I could barely walk let alone operate a vehicle. The car ride to the hospital was silent besides trying to figure out which one to go to. The first hospital we went to wasn’t a labor and delivery, so we had to sit there for about an hour or two, waiting on them to fill out paperwork to transfer me to Gainesville. Throughout this entire time, I kept saying to everyone that I wasn’t keeping the baby, I wasn’t keeping the baby.

Finally, the ambulance got there and I was loaded up. I so wish I could remember the name of the man who rode in the back with me. He was the absolute sweetest man. He asked me what was going on and what my birth plan was. When I told him I didn’t have one and that I wasn’t keeping the baby, he just broke down. I’ll never forget the words he said to me. He said, “Sweetie, I will never understand why you thought you had to go through this alone. I’m here with you now. I’m not going to let you do this alone.” Usually the paramedics are supposed to stop at the desk when they walk in to sign release papers and such, but he walked with me all the way to my room and held my hand the entire time. The only reason he left was because he had another call. He told me he’d be back after his shift. And he did come back.

The whole time I was in labor, all I said was, “I don’t want the baby. I don’t want the baby. I’m not keeping the baby.” Bree ended up telling her parents, who, in turn, told mine. I’ll never forget the hurt in my dad’s voice when I finally told him what was happening. Because of me and my selfishness and shame, they weren’t there to see their first grandbaby being born. They weren’t there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting them miss such a beautiful thing. I already told them I wasn’t keeping the baby and that I was giving the baby up for adoption. They asked me not to make any decisions until they got there, but I already made up my mind.

After 12 hours of being in labor, I finally had her. They asked me if I wanted to hold her and I told them no. I wouldn’t even look in her direction; I kept my eyes closed the whole time. All I kept thinking was how I wished they would take her out of the room so I didn’t have to worry about this anymore. I will forever regret not holding my baby girl as soon as she was born. The only reason I did hold her was because I had to move rooms, and my mom asked me to at least give her the love she needed for the time being, until I gave her away. Oh, but when I held her. She was so beautiful. So very beautiful. I knew I couldn’t do this. I knew there was no possible way I could let this beautiful baby girl go. All I remember saying was how beautiful she was. But I also couldn’t help but think about how I knew I couldn’t support her and give her the life she needed. After my parents got there, and after a long conversation about the pros and cons for adoption verses keeping her, it wasn’t until 5 hours after I had her that I decided to do this and keep her. That’s when I named her: Kaylee Nicole Day. My precious 5lbs 7oz, brown eyed, curly haired baby girl. The next couple of days are a blur to me, considering I didn’t get much sleep and I had low iron, so I wasn’t feeling well what so ever. All I do remember, is holding my daughter the whole time. I never out her down. I was so very much in love.

The Sunday I finally went public with Kaylee, Haqq messaged me and asked if she was his and I said yes. He still didn’t want anything to do with her. He said he wasn’t mature enough, and that he didn’t think he’d be a good father to her. I still struggle with him not being in her life. How could he see this beautiful little girl and not want to be in her life? I’ve prayed and prayed about the situation with him and I’ve finally decided that it’s not right to hide the fact that he is her father.  I’m not sure if he’ll actually read this, but if he does, I want him to know that I don’t hate him. I don’t have any hard feelings towards him. If anything, I hurt for him. I hurt because he’s not here getting to see his little girl grow up. He wasn’t here for the first time she crawled, or her first steps. I pray every night that he’ll come around. But I know I can’t focus on that. It’s his decision. For now, I’ll just get the extra snuggles and kisses. I get the pleasure of seeing her become the sassy little girl she is. I just hope he knows that the door will always be open. I’m not going to keep Kaylee from him if he actually comes around and makes a permanent commitment to being her father. All I can do right now is continue to pray for him. I’ll always love him. He gave me my biggest blessing. And for that, I will forever thank him.

I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am for any and every person who gave to, helped with, or had anything to do with helping to love on Kaylee and I. From the sweet, sweet nurses at the hospital who kept smuggling diapers, clothes, bottles, you name it to my room, to the ladies’ Sunday school class at Northside for throwing me a baby shower. I definitely never went without any help. I am so very thankful for how everyone took this whole situation. I never once felt looked down upon. I never once was told I was a disappointment. I got nothing but love towards me and my baby girl. I was truly blessed.

These past 17 months have been anything but easy. From getting up every two hours to make sure this new person was fed and changed, to sharing my bed with a stubborn girl who is a bed hog, and every moment in between – I wouldn’t change a thing. I still have struggles with some people on account of Kaylee being biracial. The important people in my life who didn’t initially agree with it have come around and now love my little girl. They still don’t agree with interracial relationships, but they don’t shut her out as much anymore. I still struggle with wondering how in the world I’m going to provide for her on my own. My parents help me out tremendously right now and it scares me to think I’ll be doing this on my own someday. I’ll have to deal with Kaylee feeling worthless and unwanted because I didn’t want her at first, and Haqq not wanting her now. I’ll have to deal with the fact that I don’t have anything to show her of how she was in my belly or anything of that nature. I’ll always have to deal with the shame of thinking of aborting her first. But I know I’ll be able to do it. I know I’ll be able to give her the love she needs. I know I’ll always be her number one fan. I’ll never give up. I’ll never stop trying to give Kaylee any and everything she needs and more. No, this isn’t me giving myself a pat on the back and say, “Hey, look what I did.” This is me saying, “Hey, look what God helped me through.”